Don't see why I have to be a flippin' altar boy. Just 'cause Mick McGillicuddy has to be one don't mean that I 'ave to be one too.
Mick McGillicuddy ‘as been an altar boy for ages and ages. Why is me mum doin’ all this now? She’s known about Mick bein’ on the altar for ages. She even saw ‘im last week at six o’clock mass. She said to Mick’s mum that he looked lovely up there on the altar, followin’ Father Clancy with the silver platter in case anyone dropped the communion off their tongue.
Don’t see why I ‘ave to do it though, stupid white dress like a girl and hair all spit down. I bet me dad never did it. I bet our Billy never ‘as to do it, on account of ‘is breathin’ an all that.


“Dad, why is me mum sayin’ that I’ve got to go on the altar?”
“What are you laughin’ at dad?”
“Nothing son, you just do what your mam tells you and don’t be frettin’ about it all.”
“But dad, I don’t want to go on the altar, it’s for sissy’s and babies.”
“Mick Mcgillicudy isn’t a sissy.”
“I knew you’d say that, Mick can do what ‘e likes ‘cause ‘e can fight anyone in our school, ‘e’s the cock of the school, not me.”
“Well you just stick by Mick and no-one will bother you then, will they.”
“Aww dad, can’t you see me mam and tell ‘er that I’m sick? Tell ‘er that I won’t be able to do it. Tell ‘er that…”
“Sorry Jack, she’s made her mind up. You know what she’s like when she gets started on something like this.”
“Was you an altar boy when you was little dad?”
“Errr…no Jack. I never did go on the altar.
“Why?”
“I didn’t go to the church like your mum.”
“Why?”
“I didn’t ‘ave to.”
“Why?”
“That’s why.”
“What’s why.”
“Look, I just didn’t ‘ave to that’s why, and don’t go round tellin’ anyone about it, right.”
“Mm.”
“RIGHT.”
“Okay dad, I won’t. Why?”
“Never mind. Get upstairs, your mam wants you.”
“What for?”
“Never mind, just get up there, and don’t stamp up the stairs.”


“Mum, why didn’t me dad ‘ave to go to church when ‘e was little?”
“He did go sometimes love.”
“Yeah, but ‘e didn’t ‘ave to, did ‘e?”
“No Jack love, it was different for your dad. Now get your head over this sink.”
“Eeeyack, what’s that? That’s vinegar that is.”
“Just keep still, you’re not going on that altar in front of God tomorrow crawling with nits in your hair.”
“But mam, it stinks, I’ll get called nitty ‘ead an’ fish an’ chips ‘ead.”
“Better that than crawling. Over!”


It’s only practise today. I’m not really on the altar. There’s no mass or anything.
I hope no-one comes in to pray while I’m doin’ it. I ‘ope I remember when it’s time to ring the bell. Three rings for….


“Ah, Master Dooley. C’mon over to the rectory. I’ve got a little something for you right now.”
“Mornin’ Father Clancy. What ‘ave ye got for me?”
“Into the Rectory lad, and see Master McGillicuddy, he’ll sort you out.”
“What with Father?”
“Just go on now. Jesus Mary and Joseph lad, you smell like the fish and chip shop on a Friday tea time. Tell your mum I said to go easy on the vinegar next time, you’ll have me eyes waterin’ all through the practise today you will.”
“Okay Father.”
 

“Mick, what do you want?”
“Here, try this on, see if it fits.”
“It’s only practise. Why do I ‘ave to wear that for?”
“Just try it on Jack, we always wear them for practise.”
“Why?”
“Because we do, that’s why.”
“No need.”
“Don’t argue, just put it on.”
“This is stupid. It looks like a dress, a girls dress.”
“It’s not a dress and it’s not for girls. This is your Cassock and this is your Surplus. You wear them like this, see.”
“Still looks like a dress.”
“Shut up Jack, Father Clancy is waiting for us out there, c’mon let’s go.”



It’s not my fault. It’s just that it’s my first time. No need for Mick to laugh like that. I couldn’t help it, I got a bit carried away like, that’s all. Anyway, I’m not down for doin’ Benediction so I don’t know why we were even doin’ it. It’s not my fault that the chain snapped on the Censer. I didn’t even see Father Clancy’s Cassock go on fire ‘cause the smoke went in me eyes.
Me mam is goin’ to kill me when I get in.
Stupid altar boys. I never wanted to be one in the first place.


“Jack, don’t stand there, come on in. Well, how did your first day on the altar go?”
“Errr…It wasn’t my fault mum…”
“JACK?”